Don't Be Anxious. Trust Me. Live Today.

Today is March 7th. In exactly 3 months I will be "leavin on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again..." On March 7, 2006, I was wearing the pictured shirt although if you asked me to find Mozambique on a map, it would have taken me a few minutes. On March 7, 2007, I was struggling to figure out how to tell my principal I would be moving to Mozambique, totally clueless of the amazing things God had in store for me. So now it's March 7, 2008 and in 3 months I'll leave behind this dark, beautiful, mysterious continent and embrace life in Southern California. I'll leave behind the sweet fellowship I've found here with my Christian family and embrace my actual family. I'll leave behind my new friends from around the world and embrace my old friends. So what will March 7, 2009 hold for me? Only He knows. It's hard not to think about home and the future as my departure dates creeps closer and I have mixed emotions about it. I am thrilled when I think about how I will be able to be with my family every day. (I was especially missing them the other day when I heard about our typical taco feast on Sunday and then heard about how much fun they were all having with Travis after his "nose job." He broke his nose and after they operated, he was acting loopy and crazy because of the meds and saying things like, "Oh man, my doctor is great. He fixed my nose so good. I'm gonna myspace him and tell him." ) When people don't understand my sense of humor I tell them, "You need to meet my brothers, then you'd understand." With siblings as strange as mine, there was no hope for me to turn out normal.

While I can't wait to laugh at and with my incredible family, I am also fearful of the reverse culture shock that I'm pretty certain is going to rock me. I am fearful of the "known." I love that I have no clue what will happen to me here from day to day but at home, I can anticipate what typical weeks and weekends will be like. (Don't get me wrong, I love my life at home...I just am growing addicted to the spontaneity and adventure of Africa and fear that I will long for this when I'm home.) I am fearful of falling back into complacency in my comfort zone; of losing my hunger for and dependence upon God.

I just read the following in my daily devotions: "We have a natural tendency to find our "comfort zone" and then position ourselves firmly in place. If you are in a situation or lifestyle where you are perfectly capable of handling everything, you have stopped growing in your understanding of God. God's desire is to take you from where you are to where He wants you to be. You will always be one step of obedience away from the next truth God wants you to learn about Him. You may experience a restlessness whereby you sense that there is far more you should be learning and experiencing about the Father. At times, this will mean that you should move to a new location or take a new job. It could indicate that you need a deeper dimension added to your prayer life. Perhaps you need to trust God to a degree you never have before."

I was so convicted by this because I am so guilty of finding that comfort zone, and plopping down and then get frustrated when I feel like my faith is stagnant. However, it's been almost impossible for me to do that here which I have loved and which is why I have been able to grow so much more in my relationship with God while I've been here than I did at home. I want to continue to be stretched and grow while I am at home and need to find ways to keep from settling in a comfort zone.

With all my fears and anxiety about the future, I realize that I am being cowardly and not listening and taking to heart God's promises. When I have found myself feeling anxious about life 4 months from now, He has spoken to me through a number of different means; His word, books, on-line sermons, friends, Nooma videos, and of course through songs. I haven't heard His audible voice but His message to me through these different means has been crystal clear: "Don't be anxious. Trust me. Live today. " Simple huh? Funny how often I have to be reminded of this. One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7 which reads as follows:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

So I will pray that God will prepare me for my transition back into life in America and know that He is going before me just as He came before me in Africa. I will pray with thanksgiving for He has showered His blessings on me. In praying these prayers, what do you know- I have felt the "peace of God" enveloping me and pushing out all my fears about next year.

I have also been heavily convicted about having these fears because it reveals my lack of trust in God. Don't I trust that His plan is best? Don't I trust that He knows my needs? Don't I trust that He is a God of adventure and in serving Him and surrendering to Him, the journey of life will ALWAYS be adventurous? I expect too little from God too often. My prayers are too small and my faith is too limited. I was reminded of this as I started reading The Weight of Glory which is a book composed of sermons from C.S. Lewis. As I read the first line of the following passage I thought I was reading scripture because it was so familiar...then I remembered the chaplain at Westmont quoted this passage about twice a week for 4 years.

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

I desire adventure and am worried I won't find it at home but God seems to be saying that my measly desires are too small. I am expecting too little from Him. Plus, how could I doubt Him when I see where He's brought me so far. I bought the shirt in the picture 2 or 3 years ago, before I had any idea where Mozambique is on a map. It was on sale at Nordstrom Rack and sounded like an exotic place so I bought it, never imagining that God had planned to bring me there/here one day. I imagine He must have chuckled when He saw me buy the shirt. He had wonderful plans for me then and I know He still does so I feel quite silly about my worries. While I jogged around the OC proudly wearing my Mozambique shirt, I wish I could have had a glimpse of the future; a glimpse into the plans God had for me for 2007-2008. I don't know if I would have believed it if He had shown me some of the following glimpses:

A glimpse of the friendships I would make with the people living in the bush in Mozambique.

A glimpse of the singing we would do without any instruments and the bonding that would happen with the children thanks to silly faces.

A glimpse of me wearing that very same shirt but at a public pool in Mozambique, teaching 23 junior highers and high schoolers proper swimming technique. (I would have laughed if I had seen that glimpse)

A glimpse of the funny faces we would be making and the fun times we would have.

His plans are truly great. To quote my Aunt Letty, "God’s will, His way, is always without a doubt the best, the most creative, the most blessed." As long as I continue to seek after His will and obey, what do I have to worry about? Sure His will may involve tough times but I trust that those times are meant to draw me closer to Him.

"Don't be anxious. Trust me. Live today." Part of not worrying about the future involves comprehending that there might not be a tomorrow. God has spoken to me about that last part and the importance of living each day for Him and enjoying each breathe He gives me. I don't want to start focusing on what will happen in America and thus miss out on anything here in Mozambique. Three months sounds short to me in comparison to a year but so much can happen in three months. So much can happen in 3 weeks (my view of the world changed after 3 weeks in India), 3 days (the world was forever changed when Jesus rose from the dead after 3 days), even 3 hours (the events of December 7, 1941 and September 11, 2001) My point is that God can do a lot in 3 months if I am willing to let Him move in my life and not focused too much on the future.

I need to keep my eyes open to see God's hand moving in and around me and live every single day with the expectation that I will see Him; that I will hear from Him, and that I will fall more in love with Him as I seek Him. My prayer is that I will cherish every moment of my remaining time here in Mozambique; that I would not stress about the future but rather, trust His plans and expect more of Him. This week's theme song comes with thanks to Megan Terrell who wrote to me to tell me I needed to download this new song she had been singing on the top of her lungs. (hopefully not too many people were in the vicinity. Sorry Meg. I have very few friends who can actually hit a note and I wonder if I befriend such people on purpose so I won't feel inferior with my awful voice)

Steven Curtis Chapman - Miracle Of The Moment
From the album The Moment

It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now (read that line again)
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

Chorus:
So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment

There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat

Listen to your heartbeat? That line might be a bit cheesy- it is Steven Curtis Chapman so what do you expect, but I love the central message: You are alive right now so appreciate where God has you right now. You can't do anything about the future except trust in the only One who knows your future. Thanks Stephen- can always count on you to inspire:)

"Don't be anxious. Trust me. Live today." I'm trying God.